When Texting Feels Like a Relationship: Understanding Breadcrumbing, Attachment, and the Psychology of Modern Dating
“We text every day… but we’re not actually together.”
It’s a sentence I hear with increasing frequency in my therapy office.
One pattern I’ve been noticing in my practice is not simply “ghosting,” casual dating, or dating app fatigue. Rather, it’s the emergence of relationships that exist almost entirely through ongoing digital connection. Clients describe spending weeks or months exchanging messages from the moment they wake up until they go to bed. They know each other’s routines, celebrate promotions, comfort one another through difficult days, share childhood stories, exchange affectionate nicknames, and become one another’s first point of contact for both joy and distress.
Yet despite the emotional closeness, the relationship itself often remains undefined.
There are no conversations about exclusivity, and if there are, they are often defined as “getting to know each other.” Plans to spend time together are inconsistent or repeatedly postponed and the future remains vague. One or both people continue to keep their options open while maintaining a level of emotional intimacy that closely resembles a committed partnership.
By the time these clients arrive in my office, many are carrying profound confusion.
“Why do I feel heartbroken when we weren’t technically together?”
“Why can’t I stop thinking about this person?”
“Why do I feel guilty for wanting clarity?”
Perhaps the question I hear most often is this:
“Why did I let this happen?”
I don’t believe that’s the right question.
The more helpful question is:
What happens in our brains and nervous systems that allows emotional attachment to develop before a relationship has actually been established?
Understanding this can change everything.
The modern dating paradox
We have never had more ways to communicate with one another than we do currently. We can send hundreds of messages a day without ever sharing a meal, navigating a disagreement, meeting one another’s friends or families , or building a life together.
Technology has dramatically expanded opportunities for connection while also creating new forms of relational ambiguity. Psychotherapist Esther Perel has written extensively about the tension between connection and autonomy in contemporary relationships, while social psychologist Eli J. Finkel has described how modern dating technologies increase both opportunity and uncertainty. We are more connected than ever before, yet many people describe feeling increasingly unsure about where they stand.
This ambiguity is detrimental because the human attachment system was never designed for prolonged uncertainty- in fact that’s when it works hard to pull us closer to someone.
Your attachment system doesn’t wait for commitment
One of the biggest misconceptions about attachment is that it somehow begins only once two people become “official”, or we’ve decided to be “exclusive.”
But attachment begins whenever another person consistently becomes a source of comfort, reassurance, predictability, and emotional regulation.
That means every “good morning,” “How did your meeting go?”, every vulnerable late night conversation, all those messages sent during moments of loneliness or stress, all teach our nervous systems something important:
“This person helps me feel safe.”
Attachment theory suggests that our brains are constantly evaluating who can serve as a secure base during times of uncertainty. Traditionally, these bonds developed through repeated face-to-face experiences. Increasingly, however, they are being formed through digital communication.
This is one reason people often feel embarrassed by the intensity of their emotions after a “situationship” ends.
They tell themselves,
“It was just texting.”
But this was actually a period of emotional intensity, activation of our nervous systems, hormone and neurotransmitter fluctuations, and countless small biological processes acting together to create a bond between two people.
The illusion of a relationship
One concept I often discuss with clients is what I think of as relationship simulation.
Relationship simulation occurs when the behaviours associated with a committed partnership begin long before commitment itself. The relationship feels real because many elements of a healthy relationship are already present, such as frequent communication and access, emotional disclosure and vulnerability , shared humour, daily routines, mutual support, affection and sometimes future oriented conversations.
Yet, some of the most essential pieces are missing here. Things like mutual clarity, commitment, certainty, shared decision-making, integration into one another’s lives, and open communication of needs and expectations.
The relationship has become emotionally dense without becoming structurally secure, and this distinction is important because emotional intimacy and relational progression are not the same thing.
Many people assume that increasing emotional closeness naturally leads toward commitment. This is a harmful trope often presented to us through media and romantic fantasy, because committing to another person requires far more explicit communication than any amount of implicit knowing or romantic magnetism.
Digital communication makes it possible to experience the feelings of a relationship without the behaviours that actually build one.
You can exchange twenty thousand messages and still know remarkably little about how someone responds to disappointment, conflict, accountability, repair, generosity, or long-term partnership.
Why these relationships become so difficult to leave
You’ll notice I am defining this as a relationship- because no matter how fearful we might be of what this title represents, it simply recognizes this as an interplay between two people with the presence of emotional closeness. I find that truly naming it can normalize the emotional intensity and confusion that can occur when these patterns inevitably start to crumble.
Often, clients criticize themselves for becoming “too attached.” Naming it as clinginess, neediness, or being too “overbearing.”
From a psychological perspective, their emotional attachment usually makes perfect sense, and several well-established psychological processes converge to make these relationships extraordinarily difficult to leave.
First is the attachment activation. Once someone becomes an important source of emotional regulation, distance naturally produces distress. This is simply evidence that a normal human attachment system has become engaged.
Second is intermittent reinforcement, one of the most powerful learning mechanisms identified in behavioural psychology. When affection, attention, and reassurance are delivered unpredictably rather than consistently, our brains often work harder to regain them. The uncertainty itself strengthens the pursuit.
Third is ambiguity. Relationships with clear endings allow a natural grieving process to begin, but ones defined by “maybe,” “not yet,” or “I’m just busy”, often prolong hope indefinitely. Without a clear ending, many people remain emotionally suspended between possibility and loss.
Finally, there is the sunk-cost effect. After months of emotional investment, vulnerability, and hope, walking away can feel like abandoning all that effort. Many people continue investing not because the relationship is becoming healthier, but because they have already invested so much.
Taken together, these processes create a powerful psychological trap because the human brain is remarkably good at protecting attachment.
Emotional labour without relational security
One of the most painful patterns I observe is when someone gradually assumes the emotional responsibilities of a committed partner without experiencing the security that commitment itself is meant to provide.
They become the person who listens after difficult days, remembers important meetings, celebrates successes, offers reassurance during moments of self-doubt, provides comfort during family conflict, becomes emotionally available, reliable, and deeply invested.
None of these behaviours are unhealthy, in fact, they are often the very qualities that make someone a thoughtful and emotionally attuned partner.
The question is whether that emotional labour is developing alongside reciprocal investment and increasing clarity. Healthy relationships tend to move toward greater definition over time, but when emotional labour continually expands while commitment remains static, many people begin carrying the emotional weight of a relationship without the relational security that helps that investment feel safe.
This isn’t about assigning blame as sometimes both people drift into this dynamic without recognizing it. Differing attachment styles, fear of vulnerability, competing life circumstances, or uncertainty about compatibility all contribute to prolonged ambiguity.
But it’s important to remember that our intent matters less than its impact. Regardless of how the pattern developed, it deserves attention because of what prolonged uncertainty does to our emotional wellbeing.
Questions to ask yourself early
If you notice yourself becoming deeply invested in someone, pause and ask yourself:
Is our communication creating greater clarity or greater confusion?
Are we building a relationship, or maintaining the feeling of one?
Does this person consistently make space for me in their real life, or primarily in their phone?
Are words becoming actions?
Is emotional intimacy developing alongside commitment?
Do I feel increasingly secure over time?
If our texting stopped tomorrow, what would actually remain?
Am I becoming someone’s source of emotional regulation without knowing whether they genuinely want to build a life with me?
If you are experiencing fear or hesitance about being direct about commitment discussions, it may also be worth examining why. What feels risky about asking for clarity? What are you afraid might happen if you express your needs openly?
A mature, emotionally vulnerable conversation is not an unreasonable expectation in a healthy relationship. It is one of the ways two people learn whether they are aligned.
It may also be worth asking yourself:
Would I want to build a partnership with someone who is afraid of having honest conversations about commitment, needs, and emotional vulnerability?
Choosing clarity over uncertainty
There is nothing wrong with emotional openness, enjoying daily conversations or developing feelings for another person. The goal here is not to become more guarded but to become more intentional about where your emotional investment is being placed.
Healthy relationships do not require you to earn clarity through patience or prove your worth through emotional availability. They should become clearer with time, integrate conversation with action, pair intimacy with consistency, and allow trust to develop alongside commitment rather than asking attachment to grow in the absence of it.
If you recognize yourself in this pattern, I hope you’ll respond with compassion rather than criticism.
The invitation here is simply to ask one additional question before giving someone access to your emotional world:
“Is this relationship becoming clearer, or am I becoming more attached to uncertainty?”
References
Finkel, E. J. (2017). The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work. Dutton.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.
Turkle, S. (2011). Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other. Basic Books.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. TarcherPerigee.
Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. (2019). Ghosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(3), 905-924.
Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Víllora, B. (2020). Psychological correlates of breadcrumbing and ghosting experiences in emerging adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(3), 1116.
Grief, in Colour: An Art Therapist’s Practice for Sitting with Loss
In my work as an art therapist, and through my own loss, I’ve seen how grief lives not just in our minds, but in our bodies, gestures, and even the colours we’re drawn to. Art can offer us a language for grief when words feel too small or too sharp.
This gentle grief practice is something I’ve used myself and with clients navigating the aching landscape of loss. Whether you are grieving the death of a loved one, a relationship, a season of life, or a version of yourself that no longer fits—this is a space to come home to yourself.
Free Grief Art Practice Download
Inside this free printable PDF, you’ll find:
A brief introduction to art therapy and grief
A journaling prompt to explore the nuances of your loss
An art activity designed to externalize and express your grief visually
A dialogue prompt to engage with the piece you create, offering insight and reflection
Why Art Therapy for Grief?
Grief often bypasses language. You may find yourself repeating, "I don’t even know what I’m feeling"—and that’s valid. Art therapy allows for non-verbal processing, making space for the parts of us that don’t know how to name what we carry.
Using imagery, colour, and symbol, we begin to make sense of the sense-less. We honour what was lost, and we honour what still lives.
A Glimpse Into the Practice
Journal Prompt: What has grief changed in you? What hasn’t it touched?
Art Activity: Choose a medium that feels accessible—pencil, pastels, collage, paint. Create an image of your grief. Let it take form without judgment. This might be abstract or representational. Let the materials lead.
Dialogue Prompt: When you look at your piece, ask:
What do you want me to understand?
What do you need from me?
What do you want me to carry forward?
Write down the responses as if your artwork were speaking directly to you.
Final Thoughts
This practice won’t erase your grief, but it can help you feel less alone in it. You might revisit the same prompt weeks or months later and notice how your inner landscape is shifting. That is the quiet, slow work of healing.
If this practice resonates with you, you’re welcome to explore more grief-informed tools through my blog or therapy services.
With tenderness,
Arin Clarke, MCP-AT, CCC (Art Therapist & Counselling Therapist)
Grief, Healing, and the Quiet Work of Coming Back to Ourselves
Grief isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s quiet—woven into your mornings, your body, your relationships. Sometimes it doesn’t look like grief at all. It looks like burnout. Disconnection. Anger. Numbness. Or a deep sense of being lost.
I’ve come to believe that grief is not just about death—it’s about change, rupture, and the pain of living in a world that doesn’t always make space for what we’ve lost.
I see grief in breakups and divorce. In the ache of estrangement. In the invisible weight of parenting after loss. In the nervous system, after a trauma. In the slow mourning of a self we no longer recognize.
And I see how powerful it can be to have a place where that grief is allowed to exist.
A Bit About Me
I grew up in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, where the landscape still shapes my sense of rhythm and rest. I'm a parent, a partner, and someone who has walked through my own seasons of loss and rebuilding. I know what it’s like to feel like the ground has shifted beneath you—and to wonder how you’ll ever feel steady again.
In my work as a therapist, I bring together years of clinical training with something more personal: a deep respect for the messy, beautiful, nonlinear work of healing. I’m trained in somatic therapy, art therapy, and trauma-informed approaches, and I’m especially passionate about supporting people navigating grief, relational wounds, and life transitions.
Outside of work, you’ll often find me sewing, painting, weaving, or making something with my hands. Creativity has always been how I process the world—and I invite my clients into their own creative ways of making meaning, too (no art skills required).
Who I Work With
I work with adults navigating:
Grief after death (including perinatal loss and complex family grief)
Breakups, divorce, and relational pain
Estrangement or the slow grief of disconnection
Trauma recovery, including grief following sexual violence
Parenting transitions, identity loss, and burnout
Neurodivergence, sensitivity, and emotional overwhelm
I offer a space where you can be messy, unfinished, tender, and still held. A space for both the ache and the hope.
My Approach
You don’t have to have the right words. You don’t have to be “over it” by now. I work at your pace, drawing on somatic regulation, creative expression, and trauma-informed conversation to help your nervous system feel safer and your story feel more whole.
Grief is not something we fix—it’s something we move with. And you don’t have to move through it alone.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to connect. I offer both virtual and in-person sessions, a free 20-minute consultation, and a sliding scale for those who need it. Reach out when you're ready—I’ll be here.
What Is Containment? Building Safety in the Body Through Somatic Therapy
Learn how containment in therapy helps create internal safety and support nervous system regulation. Explore somatic strategies, boundary work, and opening and closing rituals to build emotional resilience.
Containment: A Somatic Foundation for Safety and Regulation
When big emotions or traumatic memories surface in therapy, it’s not always about “getting them out.” In fact, too much too soon can overwhelm the nervous system. This is where containment comes in.
Containment refers to the ability to hold emotional experience in a way that feels tolerable, manageable, and safe—especially in the body. It’s not about avoiding or suppressing feelings, but about creating boundaries and practices that support emotional integration without flooding.
In somatic therapy, containment is the gentle structure that allows the nervous system to settle, even in the presence of distress.
Why Containment Matters
Many people enter therapy feeling raw, unmoored, or dysregulated—especially if they’ve experienced trauma, chronic stress, or boundary violations. Without a sense of containment, emotional work can feel chaotic or unsafe.
Containment helps you:
Stay present during difficult emotions
Build nervous system capacity
Develop a sense of control and choice
Feel more grounded and resourced
Safely explore trauma or pain without becoming overwhelmed
How Containment Is Created
Containment is co-created in therapy through:
Relational safety: The therapeutic relationship itself is foundational—attuned, non-judgmental, and boundaried.
Clear boundaries: Knowing when therapy begins and ends, what’s expected, and how emotions are handled builds predictability and trust.
Somatic awareness: Learning to notice and name sensations helps clients identify when they’re approaching overwhelm and when to slow down.
Pacing and titration: Working in manageable pieces (“going slow to go fast”) avoids retraumatization.
Ritual and structure: Predictable rituals help cue the body that it’s entering or exiting emotional work.
Boundary Work and Containment
Containment and boundaries go hand in hand. Boundaries aren’t just interpersonal—they also exist within your internal world.
Therapeutic boundary work can involve:
Identifying emotional or energetic “leaks”
Practicing saying no (even internally)
Learning to differentiate between your emotions and others’
Setting limits on how much you explore in a single session
Clear boundaries support containment by helping you feel more in control of what you allow in and what you release.
Final Thoughts: Containment as a Compassionate Skill
Containment isn’t about shutting down or toughing it out. It’s a compassionate practice of holding—of offering your body and mind a safe place to experience and metabolize what was once too much. Over time, your capacity grows, your system becomes more flexible, and healing becomes more sustainable.
If you’re looking to deepen your own sense of internal safety and containment, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. This is foundational work I do every day with clients in my therapy practice.
Want a downloadable handout on containment strategies?
Check out my Etsy shop for printable tools, or get a free PDF when you join my email list.
Listening In: What Is Interoception and Why Does It Matter?
When we talk about healing—whether from stress, trauma, or simply the overwhelm of daily life—we often focus on thoughts and emotions. But there’s a quieter, often overlooked part of healing that begins deep inside the body: interoception.
What Is Interoception?
Interoception is our ability to notice internal sensations—like the flutter of anxiety in your stomach, the warmth of connection in your chest, or the ache of exhaustion behind your eyes. It’s how your brain reads signals from inside the body to understand what you need. Are you thirsty? Do you feel safe? Are you holding your breath?
These may seem like small things, but they are foundational to self-awareness, emotional regulation, and feeling grounded in the present moment.
Why It Matters in Therapy
For many people—especially those who have experienced trauma, burnout, or chronic stress—the connection between mind and body can feel frayed. We may become disconnected from our inner signals as a survival strategy. This can make it harder to identify emotions, set boundaries, or know when we need rest.
Building interoceptive awareness is a gentle, powerful way to return to ourselves. In somatic and trauma-informed therapy, we often use body-based practices like breath work, mindful movement, or guided noticing to help clients re-establish this internal connection.
Over time, this helps to:
Improve emotional regulation
Reduce overwhelm and reactivity
Increase a sense of safety and agency in the body
Support nervous system resilience
How to Start Noticing
You don’t need to be an expert in body signals to begin. Start small:
Pause and notice your breath—is it shallow or deep?
Scan your body for areas of tension or ease
Place a hand on your chest or belly and see what you feel
Name your sensations without judgment (e.g. “tight,” “fluttery,” “warm”)
This is interoception in action: learning to listen inward, with curiosity and care.
Final Thoughts
Tuning into your inner landscape may feel unfamiliar at first—especially if you’ve had to numb or override it in the past. But with time and support, it becomes a powerful resource. Your body holds so much wisdom. Interoception helps you access it.
If you’d like to explore this more in therapy, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you. I offer somatic and humanistic counselling in-person in Okotoks, AB and virtually across Alberta.
Contact: arin.clarke21@gmail.com | 587-220-4174
Book online: www.warpweftcounselling.com
Psst….Want a Printable Resource?
I’ve created a beautifully designed, therapist-approved handout on interoception. It includes:
A simple definition
A body-based practice
Sensation vocabulary
Journaling prompts
A curated reading list
You can grab the full printable version in my Etsy shop here. Perfect for personal use, therapy clients, or wellness professionals.
Are you a current client? Ask me in session for access to this printable for free.
What Is Somatic Therapy?
(A Gentle Guide for Beginners)
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, stuck in your head, or disconnected from your body, you’re not alone — and somatic therapy might be a good place to begin.
Somatic therapy is a body-based approach to healing that recognizes that our thoughts, emotions, and nervous systems are deeply interconnected. Rather than focusing only on “talking it out,” somatic work invites us to listen to our bodies, attend to sensation, and move at the pace of safety.
What Does "Somatic" Mean?
The word “somatic” comes from the Greek word soma, meaning “body.” In therapy, this means we pay attention to more than just your thoughts — we tune into your breath, posture, muscle tension, body temperature, and what’s happening inside, even if you don’t have words for it yet.
Why Work with the Body?
When we experience stress, trauma, or overwhelm, our bodies hold the imprint — even long after the moment has passed
You might notice:
Chronic tension or pain
Shutting down or numbing out
Feeling “too much” or “not enough”
Getting stuck in survival patterns like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or freeze responses
Somatic therapy helps us gently rebuild connection with the body, regulate the nervous system, and create new patterns that feel safer, softer, and more supportive.
How Does It Work?
In my practice, I blend polyvagal theory, interpersonal neurobiology, and humanistic counselling with somatic tools to help you feel more grounded, connected, and choiceful.
This might include:
Guided breathwork or grounding exercises
Noticing and naming internal cues (e.g., “my chest feels tight”)
Tracking nervous system states like fight, flight, or freeze
Creating rituals of safety, movement, or stillness
Learning how to listen to your “felt sense” and trust your body's signals
We always move at your pace, and you’re always in control of what we explore.
Who Is It For?
Somatic therapy can be especially supportive for people who:
Struggle with anxiety, panic, or overwhelm
Have experienced trauma or complex relational wounds
Feel disconnected from their bodies or emotions
Want to move from survival into greater ease and embodiment
Identify as sensitive, highly empathetic, or neurodivergent
Final Thoughts
Somatic therapy isn’t about “fixing” you — it’s about reconnecting with your inner wisdom, learning how to listen inward, and creating space for healing that includes your whole self. If this feels like a curious next step for you, you’re warmly invited to reach out.
Ready to begin?
I offer somatic and trauma-informed therapy in Okotoks and virtually across Alberta.
You can book a free 15-minute consult here or get in touch if you have questions.